


to monstrous Nothing

by AwayLaughing



Series: lines of descent [6]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Child Neglect, Childhood Trauma, Depression, Gen, Loss of Parent(s), POV Child, Parent-Child Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-22
Updated: 2016-03-22
Packaged: 2018-05-28 07:55:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6321283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwayLaughing/pseuds/AwayLaughing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Neji doesn't always understand his father, but he loves him dearly.</p><p>Neji and Hizashi's relationship in the last month leading up to Hizashi's death, explored through the eyes of a troubled but devoted child.</p>
            </blockquote>





	to monstrous Nothing

**Author's Note:**

> Prequel to [The Bad Cell](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4994431).

Neji grumbled from his spot under the eaves as the rain dripped down on him. Father had told him to go home earlier, but Neji hadn't wanted him to be alone. Watching his father run through kata wasn't the most interesting thing, other than learning some new ones by watching, but it was better than letting father run around alone. Sometimes he forgot about bedtime when he did that, and then Neji had to put himself to bed.

 

“Tousan,” he called, alarmed when his father's knee buckled. “Can we go inside, it's cold.”

 

Father didn't respond, however, and Neji chewed his lip as he watched his father struggle back up. You were supposed to look after hurts before going back to training, Neji knew, but father wasn't doing that. For a moment he seemed fine, but after a few more minutes he was down again.

 

This time, he didn't get back up right away and Neji, concerned, left the safety of the trees, yelping when a familiar voice called his name.

 

“Neji-chan,” a tall, light brown haired man said. Yūtaro was his mother's cousin, which made him Neji's cousin somehow though not as close. He didn't know him that well, other than little conversations, but Neji reasoned he was an adult, and could probably be trusted.

 

“I don't think he's the one you need to worry about,” a man Neji knew was a medic said. “Hizashi-san, can you hear us?” His father groaned from where he was kneeling and Neji frowned.

 

“We need to go home,” he said, “it's raining.”

 

The medic – Ishio he thought – smiled at that. “Very astute,” for a moment he just poked at father however, before he gestured to Yūtaro. “Grab his other arm, he just needs warm and something to eat. Come on Neji-chan, lead the way.”

 

* * *

 

 

When Ishio and Yūtaro brought Neji and his father home, Ishio smiled and told Neji he needed to stay in his room for a bit. Neji nodded, and promptly followed after them, peeking around the corner to watch them speak to father. They were on the couch, or Yūtaro and father were, Ishio was crouched across from them. They were speaking very quietly, of course, but father was often quiet and Neji had grown used to straining to hear him.

 

“You can't do this, Hizashi,” Ishio was saying while Yūtaro rubbed his back. “It's not healthy.”

 

His father's response was too muffled to here, but Neji tried anyway, so hard that Yūtaro's words sounded loud to him.

 

“It's not just about you, cousin,” he said. “I know last time we discussed this you said no but I honestly think-”

 

“No,” father's voice was harsh and ragged. “And I told you not to bring it up again.”

 

“Well it needs to be brought up,” Yūtaro said, voice more firm than usual. “Neji needs stability. I know I'm often out on missions but Dorika and Gen would love to have him over a few nights a week, just to take the pressure off. A kid alone is hard Hizashi, no one thinks it's wrong for you to need help.”

 

“I can take care of my son,” father said, finally looking up. Neji couldn't see his face, but he could see his shoulders were hunched high and tight.

 

“Yuu's not saying you can't,” Ishio said, “just that you need some help and-”

 

“I can take care of my own son,” father said again, louder than before and he stood up when he said it. Neji bit back a gasp when he swayed slightly, but he stayed up. “Now get out.”

 

“Hizashi-”

 

“Get out!”

 

It was the loudest Neji had ever heard him, and instinctively he ducked out of sight, scurrying back to his room. He stayed there until he heard the front door shut, and then waited a few more breaths. Father's shuffling footsteps came into hearing, and Neji caught his breath, wondering if he was coming to Neji's room. They passed him instead and after a moment he heard the quiet snick of the bedroom door.

 

Sighing, the four year old flopped onto his bed, staring up at his ceiling for a moment before flipping over, turning on his light and reaching for his picture book. Opening the first page, he tried to recall father's voice saying the words, and stubbornly started trying to figure out the kanji. Outside, thunder crashed and Neji shivered slightly, wishing father had come in to his room instead.

 

He didn't know how long he tried figuring everything out, though he knew he didn't get very far and the rain which had been so gentle earlier was now lashing hard, rattling the windows. He was even a little surprised when his stomach growled and, somewhat relieved to be away from the book, he put it back and set out to his father's room, just two doors down.

 

Softly, he knocked once, then again. Both times, he got no answer and nervously he chewed his lip before deciding his father was tired from all his training, and shouldn't be bothered. So instead, it was to the kitchen for supper. There wasn't much, because father hadn't gone grocery shopping in a while, but there was some take out from a few nights ago. Neji sniffed it like he'd seen father do, not certain what he was looking for but certain he'd know if it was there. It wasn't and after a moment's deliberation he shrugged and headed over to the table, stopping only briefly for chopsticks.

 

Miso wasn't great cold, Neji didn't think, but it was okay enough and better than being hungry so Neji ate it slowly, watching the door to see if father was going to come out.

 

He did not.

 

* * *

 

 

Morning came, and the rain was still coming down so hard Neji could barely see anything behind the house when he looked out the window. Father's door was still closed, and a quick peak with the Byakugan – just to check, not to be rude – told him father was still in bed, so Neji resolutely returned to the kitchen alone.

 

Predicatbly, there was even less in the fridge than last night, and at last Neji grabbed the slightly wrinkled tomato sitting on the middle shelf. He'd seen Ume-basama cut them up and put salt on them before, but Neji wasn't to use the knives, so after a moment he grabbed the salt shaker and sat down, shaking it on a bit before biting into it.

 

It wasn't good, Neji decided on the first bite, but father also said you needed three bites to really know you didn't like something, so he kept trying. Bite number three proved he still didn't like it much, but he was hungry and he'd get in trouble if all he did was drink all the milk, so he soldiered on, salting and biting until at last it was all gone. Then, to be safe, he grabbed a glass and carefully poured some milk in, struggling to make sure he didn't spill any at all.

 

Sipping it, Neji tried to figure out what exactly to do with his day. He couldn't train, because it was raining and he wasn't to train without father. He could try to read the big book again, but the hiranga in the picture books was a lot easier. Except doing something just because it was easier wasn't right, hard work was important. Father said so.

 

Finally, once his milk was done and the glass next to the sink to be cleaned later, Neji decided the best thing was to perfect hiranga then work on kanji. Because mastering something was hard work too, something he'd heard his uncle say before. And Neji was supposed to listen to his uncle and the elders, everyone said so, but Neji lightly touched his head – which still hurt – and wondered about father's outburst three days ago. He'd been so angry and then...

 

Neji felt tears build at the memory, and he hurriedly brushed them away, worried father would show up and be sad. Father always got sad when Neji cried, so Neji tried not to. So he didn't think about three days ago or the fact he was still hungry and his mouth felt funny from the tomato. He just took up one of the books he knew well and practiced sounding it out.

 

The only other sound in the house was the rain on the roof.

 

* * *

 

 

Neji got through five books – six if you counted reading his favourite about the lost duck twice – before he finally gave in. His vision was starting to go blurry and his stomach was still growling and so, putting his books away as tidy as possible, Neji took a deep breath and crept down the hall.

 

Though the rain had mostly stopped the sky was still a deep grey and didn't let much light in through the windows. This meant the hall was very dark, since it didn't have any windows anyway. Neji wasn't scared of the dark, not really, but things had just been so wrong lately that his nerves were getting the better of him by the time he got to the door. For a moment he just stared at it – it was rude to just walk in and Neji wasn't rude – but he wanted his father so finally he opened it, peeking inside.

 

It was dark in father's room, and smelled a little musty because the door was closed for so long. Neji could make out the form of his father in the bed, not moving and worried, Neji inched in.

 

“Tousan?” he asked, voice barely above a whisper, “tousan are you awake?”

 

Father didn't move, and Neji inched forward a tiny bit more, now fully in the room. “Tousan,” he said, “I'm sorry but I'm really hungry and,” he bit his lip, fighting back tears, “my head hurts.”

 

There was nothing for a moment, and Neji was fighting back a sniffles when suddenly father moved.

 

“Come here, Neji-chan,” he said, sitting up, and Neji could see the outline of his arms being open. Quickly, he scampered forward, diving into the familiar embrace. “I'm sorry Neji,” he said, rubbing his back. “Is there anything in the fridge?”

 

“Just milk,” Neji said, squeezing his father, “I ate the miso last night. And had a tomato for breakfast, it was gross.”

 

His father chuckled a little at that, still rubbing his back. It didn't sound very happy. “Oh Neji, I'm so sorry.”

 

“It's okay tousan,” he said, “I don't think you could have made the tomato taste better.” His father didn't laugh this time, just kept rubbing his back. Neji could picture the look on his face – like was looking at something very far away. “Tousan?”

 

“Yes Neji?”

 

“I love you.”

 

Father stopped rubbing his back briefly, and then squeezed him tighter. “I love you too Neji,” he said. “More than anything.”

 

* * *

 

 

They had take out for supper.

 

* * *

 

 

The next morning, Neji had mostly forgotten about his day alone. Instead he was staring furiously up at his father, feet planted wide and arms crossed. His father had a little bag of clothes and things in his hand, and was running his free hand through his hair.

 

“This isn't a negotiation, Neji,” he said. “You're spending a few days at Yūtaro's. It won't be long.”

 

“No,” Neji said, for seemed like the hundredth time.

 

“You're going, whether or not I carry you there is the only difference,” father said and Neji, too hurt to do anything else, stomped his foot.

 

“No!”

 

“Yes!” with that, his father scooped him up, keeping him firmly in place. Neji tried very hard to get back down, but his father was much stronger and didn't budge. Once they got outside, Neji scowled and went limp. Father made a little noise at that, and Neji counted it as a triumph.

 

Because Yūtaro didn't live with the clan it was a bit of a walk, but the whole time Neji stayed still and his father never let him go. They got a few amused looks, and even scowling at the strangers just elicited little smiles and even some _coos_. By the time they got to the apartment Yūtaro lived in, Neji was so angry tears where pushing at his eyes and the first thing he did when set down was scamper over to the farthest corner of the balcony.

 

The door swung open a moment later, and Neji – blocked by it's opening – heard Yūtaro.

 

“You're missing something, Hizashi,” he said, sounding amused.

 

“He's angry with me,” was father's reply. “And hiding behind the door.”

 

At that, Yūtaro's familiar face showed on the other side of the door, and he smiled. It made his freckles shift around, Neji noted, still focusing on being angry and not crying.

 

“Yes I can see, he's very much like his parents,” Yūtaro said, “can't let you sleep on the porch though, Neji-chan, so please do come inside. You'll make Gen fret.”

 

For a moment, Neji stared at him, then made to storm past his father. Father had other ideas though, and Neji was quickly trapped by a hand that smooshed his head into his father's stomach.

 

“I'm sorry you feel I'm leaving you behind Neji,” father said, “but I'm not. And I love you.”

 

Neji didn't answer or hug back. When his father let him go, he saw Yūtaro with his backpack and made to go into the house, except Yūtaro wouldn't let him, hand landing on his shoulder.

 

“Be nice to your dad now, you'll feel better later if you do,” he said, forcibly turning Neji around. Neji fixed his gaze on the wooden planks, arms crossed.

 

“Bye,” he said. His father just sighed.

 

“Be good, Neji. I'll see you in two days. Three sleeps.”

 

Neji said nothing, and didn't move until his father was back down the stairs and Yūtaro let him into the apartment.

 

“I'm not that bad, am I?” he asked, still smiling.

 

Neji sniffled, and tried to say no, but instead a little sound came out and the next thing he knew Neji was on the floor crying. As Yūtaro tried to calm him and a soft, female hand pat his back, Neji tried to explain to them. Tried to explain that father was sad and Neji needed to keep an eye on him, but all that came out was more tears.

 

* * *

 

 

No one teased him or talked too much about his crying once it was over, other than Gen making sure he was okay. Everyone really just acted like it was normal, and Neji sort of wanted to tell them it wasn't and Neji almost never cried, but no one believed little kids anyway so he dutifully held his tongue.

 

Yūtaro's wife, Gen, was not a Hyūga and had very long hair that was the same colour as rain clouds after rain. Not so dark, but not white either. Her daughter, Dorika, had dark hair like Yūtaro, even though he wasn't her first dad, which you could tell because she had green eyes and no Byakugan. She was also a lot older than Neji, but everyone was a lot older than Neji except Hinata-sama, and you weren't allowed to play with _-samas_ and that meant Neji was used to playing with older people.

 

“Do you like to colour, Neji-kun?” she asked, even as she was setting a book and some coloured pencils down. Neji nodded, studying the book. Inside were pictures of places, mostly, and Neji lit up when he came to a familiar one. “You found Konoha,” she said, smiling. “My mom drew this you know.”

 

Neji looked over to Gen, who was working on supper, and cocked his head. “You make colouring books?” he asked, and she laughed.

 

“Only sometimes,” she said. “I'm an artist.”

 

“Oh,” Neji said. He didn't know any other artists, he didn't think. “Is it fun?”

 

“When I'm lucky,” she said, “it's like any job really. Are you going to be a shinobi, Neji-chan?”

 

“Yes,” Neji said, trying to remember what colour the flower shop was.

 

“Do you want to be?” Dorika asked, nudging the yellow toward him and pointing to a house. “My friend lives there.”

 

“Cool,” Neji said, starting to colour it, trying to be careful. “And I don't know, I just will be.”

 

Yūtaro, who was writing something in the living room, laughed. “The family answer,” he said, and Neji sent him a confused look at his tone, but Yūtaro didn't look any different from usual, so he shrugged it off and went back to colouring Dorika's friend's house.

 

"What's your friend's name, Dorika-san?"

 

"Kita," she said, "his family makes pottery. He's gone away to study different ways of painting them."

 

Neji looked up at that, surprised. "There's different ways to paint?" he asked and she nodded. "Do you miss Kita-san?"

 

"Sometimes," she said, "he writes me letters though."

 

Neji nodded, turning back to his page and wondering if father ever wrote letters to anyone when he was away.

 

* * *

 

 

Yūtaro's house wasn't bad, and Neji really did like Gen and Dorika, but the morning his father was supposed to come get him, Neji could barely eat his breakfast. Yūtaro teased him, but none of them made him eat all his food thought Neji did try.

 

He was struggling through the last of his miso when, at nine o'clock exactly, there was a knock. Neji didn't even think before he flew to the door, yanking it open and only taking a short second to make sure it was his father before throwing himself at him. Father made a surprised sound, but scooped him up, squeezing back. “Tousan, tousan I love you I missed you!” he said into his shoulder, and he felt his dad kiss his head.

 

“Me too, Neji,” father said. “Did you have fun?”

 

Neji nodded, launching into a detailed description of everything he'd done over the last few days. His father was smiling widely the whole while. Once he was done, he waited expectantly for his father to speak. The man just shook his head.

 

“You have me beat,” he said, “my days were much less fun.”

 

“You can have fun with me,” Neji said, “Dorika let me have the colouring book.”

 

“Oh really?” father asked, “yes, that will certainly change it up.”

 

Neji nodded, because the book _was_ fun and now he knew what the Capital looked like too, though he had to make up the colours of everything, so that was good. He did get down to say good bye to everyone, and then insisted on carrying his own bag back home.

 

“Tousan,” he said as they headed down the road. “You're not going to make me go away again, right? Unless you have a mission, right?”

 

Father was quiet for a moment, and Neji looked up at him, worried he'd said something to make him sad again. “Tousan isn't going on missions for a while,” he said finally. “I'm going to stay at home with you.”

 

“Really?” Neji asked, “is that good?”  


“I don't know, is it?”  


“Yes!”

 

* * *

 

 

Father wasn't better, Neji deduced pretty quickly, but he wasn't as bad, either. He got out of bed every day and almost never yelled anymore and read Neji a story every night. There was always food in the fridge and over all, Neji was happier than he'd been in a while. Still, sometimes at night father would stare at Neji like he was upset, or would spend hours outside, not meditating but not doing much of anything.

 

Since yesterday, however, things had been wrong. Father had been harsh and hadn't been able to sit down. Neji wasn't allowed out of the house and now, night had come and Neji was fighting back tears as his father, looking tired and worn, said there wouldn't be any bed time stories.

 

“I need to go to the main house,” he said, “something bad happened last night and I'm needed to help.”

 

“But you said no missions,” Neji said.

 

“It's not a mission, it's for the clan,” father said and Neji sniffled.

 

“Can't I come, then?”

 

“No,” father's voice was loud enough Neji sunk into his pillows. “I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just for adults.”

 

“I can be adult,” Neji said, making his father smile tiredly.

 

“No, Neji. I love you dearly but you can't come.”

 

Pouting, Neji nodded. “You'll be back in the morning, right?” Father just brushed his hair behind his hear, pressing a kiss to Neji's forehead.

 

“I love you more than anything,” he said.

 

“I love you more than anything too, tousan,” Neji said, wanting to ask his question again, except father was already leaving. The moment the door closed, Neji turned on his Byakugan. Once he decided father was too far to notice him, Neji got out of bed and quickly set about following him.

 

* * *

 

Neji did pretty well, he thought, finding a way into the main house even though he got caught. The Hyūga outside the servant's door blinked down at him as Neji rocked on his heels, terrified he was going to be sent home.

 

“It's very late, Neji-chan,” the older man said. There was greying hair at his temples, and Neji didn't know him, but he supposed lots of people seemed to know his father, and that's probably why people knew him.

 

“Yes,” he agreed. “I need to go to bed. We're staying with ojisama tonight.”

 

The man nodded, ruffling his hair. “Straight to bed,” he said, “you definitely won't find any cookies in the kitchen.” Neji nodded solemnly, scurrying past and turning his Byakugan back on. Everyone was in the dojo, and Neji took a few wrong turns even with the Byakugan before he found it. Luckily no one was outside, and he could very quietly open the door the smallest bit to watch and listen.

 

“It's the only way,” an older man with a very straight back said. Neji knew he was his grandfather, of course he knew that, but he'd never called him that, and didn't think his grandfather wanted it to be called anything by Neji at all. Grandfather never even looked at Neji.

 

“Otousama,” Hiashi-jisama said, “I can hardly demand this. My actions are the cause of the trouble.”

 

“And Hizashi's job is to fix it,” was grandfather's response. “You don't see him arguing.”

 

“There is no argument to be made,” his father said. “Certainly, I have never gone against orders, otousama.”

 

Hiashi-jasama said something at that, too quiet for Neji too hear. Then, louder. “No. I am the clan head otousama, something you would do well to remember,” that caused a murmur in the group and Neji saw grandfather frown. “I am the only one who can order-”

 

“It will be done.”

 

Neji knew you weren't supposed to interrupt Hiashi-jisama ever, and bit his lip to keep back any sound when his father did so. No one objected, however, and his father kept talking.

 

“Where are they?”

 

“Niisan,” Hiashi-jisama said, the first time Neji had ever heard him call his father _brother_. “Surely Neji-”

 

Neji perked up at his name, even as his grandfather spoke up. “Is inconsequential,” he said. “And is being provided the best example of his role in this world. What more can we ask of a parent?” As he spoke, Neji felt his gaze flick over to the door, and knew his grandfather knew he was there. He said nothing, however and father was so quiet Neji barely heard him.

 

“I have said goodbye to Neji,” he said. “There is no reason to cause him more distress.”

 

For a long moment no one said anything, and then Hiashi-sama stood. “Everyone is dismissed,” he said. “Good evening.”

 

No one argued, and Neji, feeling dizzy, hurried into the nearest room, which was actually a store closet. He heard everyone walk by, most quickly, snatches of conversation passing him by, and still almost jumped when the door opened as the last of them faded. He stared up, mute and shaking, at his grandfather, who said nothing for a very long time.

 

“Remember this night,” he said finally. “Now go home.” Neji nodded, bowing low even as he backed away. He wanted to ask what was going on, but didn't dare speak to this terrifying man and once he was out of the hall he all but ran home.

 

Inside the house it was quiet and dark, but safe. Neji stared around him at the darkness for a long while, but never stepped inside. Something told him even though he'd been ordered home, this was the wrong place to be, and Neji finally turned his Byakugan back on. It didn't go very far, but it told him at least no one was around. Finally, he turned on his heel and, not knowing what else he was doing, ran toward the gate.

 

* * *

 

 

Neji didn't make it to the main gate. He ran straight into a group of shinobi from the family on his way there, including Hiashi-sama himself. No one said anything as he tumbled back, fighting sobs as he looked between them.

 

“W-where's tousan?” he asked finally, and there was a soft curse from near the back. Yūtaro appeared, and in the moonlight Neji realized his face was wet. “I want tousan.”

 

“Neji-chan,” Yūtaro said, only for Hiashi-sama to kneel in front of him.

 

“You should be in bed,” he said. “Why are you here?”

 

“I'm looking for tousan,” he said, “where did he go?”

 

“Your tousan is no longer with us, Neji-chan” his uncle said, face blank. “He's dead.”

 

“Hiashi-sama!” Yūtaro said, “I hardly think that's-”

 

Neji didn't here the rest, struggling to keep his breath under control as the tears started. Distantly, he heard Yūtaro's voice but it was drowned out by the echo of Hiashi-jisama's words.

 

Tousan was dead.

 

* * *

 

That night, Neji slept in tousan's bed. Yūtaro took him home and stayed with him. In the morning, a several people from the main house showed up, and wordlessly started packing up the house while one spoke to Yūtaro. Eventually, Yūtaro came back to Neji who was still in father's bed, hugging the pillow because it smelled like him.

 

“Neji-chan” he said softly. “I was going to ask to take you with me, myself,” he said, “but your uncle is your closest relative, and wants to take care of you.” Neji remembered last night, and how he hadn't cared about tousan dying. He didn't want to live with his uncle if he was like that, but he bit his lip, saying nothing. “Maiko-san is finished with your clothing, she'll take you back to the main house. Unless you'd like me to come?”

 

Neji did, but looking around, he realized abruptly that it didn't matter, not really. “No,” he said, “is she ready.”

 

Yūtaro nodded, looking like he wanted to say something, but one of the people was trying to get his attention and after a moment he just tousled Neji's hair. “You know how to find me, if you need anything. I'm your cousin too, remember.”

 

Neji nodded, knowing already he'd never go looking for Yūtaro again. Silently, he crawled out of the bed to the woman who was holding a large suitcase.

 

“Neji-chan,” she said. “Welcome to the main household. I'm very sorry for your loss.”

 

Neji nodded, ignoring the hand she offered and started toward the front door. She trailed behind him, not saying anything at all.

 

Because Neji was alone now, and just as he'd been instructed, Neji would remember that anyone could leave at any moment.

 

All you had was yourself. Not even fathers stayed.

 

**Author's Note:**

>   
> _To monstrous Nothing yield your little breath:_  
>  You shall achieve destruction where you stand,  
> In instimate conflict, at your brother's hand.  
> \- Edna St. Vincent Millay, Epitaph for the Race of Man
> 
> It seems pretty clear to me that Hizashi was suffering from some very bad depression in canon, and from my own experience with it I know this doesn't lead to the best interpersonal relationships. Neji's POV is, naturally, a very narrow one in this situation because his youth doesn't allow him to really understand everything, but still and important POV to explore, I think (even though four year olds are hard).


End file.
